ARE you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Disney Party?

Don't lie to me now.

They used this catchphrase during the McCarthy era and it was "communist" party then because that infamous guy Joseph McCarthy would rather see people incarcerated for communist activity than for wearing ridiculous Mickey Mouse ears. But, of course he wouldn't, because Walt Disney was said to be a strong supporter of his and he wouldn't want McCarthy spoiling his vision of Disneyland as "a happy place where adults and children can experience together some of the wonders of life, of adventure, and feel better because of it".

So, back to our interrogation. I'm told you've just been to Tokyo Disneyland, or specifically, the newer resort, DisneySea Park. We have videos of you lining up to take photos in front of the globe-shaped AquaSphere, including damning footage of you making googly eyes at some rosy-cheeked Japanese toddler in front of you. Don't deny it!

Yes, you're cowering now, aren't you?

And you should be - how someone of your rather advanced vintage can enjoy what is essentially a youth-oriented park is a disgrace to all mature adults!

We also have witnesses who will testify how you tried to knock the baseball cap off a teenager who was blocking your camera view of the breathtaking Legend of Mythica that was being performed on the waters of the Mediterranean Harbour front. You were so excited at the sight of the majestic floats that beat their Chingay counterparts flat - fire-breathing dragons, armoured roosters, three-headed beasts from the undersea world of King Neptune - that you were jumping and cheering while muttering curses at people blocking you because you knew they wouldn't understand.

But as you tried to get a better view of Goofy in his Trojan attire, or Minnie Mouse in her red finery atop the giant chicken, and the ensuing battle between beasts which saw cannon fire, fireworks and geysers springing up from nowhere, you made the mistake of trying to balance your camera above the head of a shorter old lady in front of you. She did not like it and was too polite to tell you off. She's now the key witness in our investigation.

Wild ride: A carriage going over a bridge at the Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull Ride.

Oh, and you know how at all the Disneyland adventure rides they take photos of people screaming their heads off, in the hope that you might want to buy such grotesque images of yourself? Well, you should have. Because you were caught at three of them: Journey to the Centre of the Earth which had you plummeting through the core of a massive volcano, tossed back and forth before the ultimate horrific plunge; Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull which was a clever play on the current movie's name but nonetheless an old ride which impresses for its incredible detail and replica of the huge tunnel- sized boulder that threatens to turn you into cave-kill; and the ultimate thrill, the Tower of Terror, where you plummet from floor to floor - if the ominous health warnings at the entrance don't scare you off first.

You better watch it, we can see the tell-tale signs of gleeful satisfaction curling your lips upwards as you remember the thrills of your recent spills. Obviously, your dedication to the Disney Party overrides any disadvantages from not being able to understand anything since all the storylines are in Japanese. You're simply too overwhelmed by the sheer quality of the entertainment, particularly the dancers who could easily perform on Broadway or West End if ever their Disney gigs end. Ha, we gotcha. You are definitely a life member of the Disney Party. And for your offence, you are hereby sentenced to a year of hard roller-coaster riding at Disneyland in line with its 25th anniversary celebrations.

You will be forced to sit through its special Jubilation parade, witness special greetings by Mickey and the Gang, and check out its new guided tour called "A World of Disney Dreams and Magic".

Hey, why are you smiling? We haven't told you about the double-whammy Tower of Terror Super Scary Version that you're going to test out yet...